Chiu On This

Invading Memories

by Frederic Chiu

 

Memories have been on my mind recently, as I bring back a work that I learned and last played during a particularly difficult period of my life.

 

As I practice, images and feelings from that time have come racing back, thoughts that I have not thought about in many, many years.

 

Rather than have these thoughts be felt as interruptions, I have actually been looking forward to them. I accepted the engagement with eagerness, looking forward to dealing with memories and feelings that were perhaps now ripe for understanding.

 

Usually, these kinds of "disruptive", "unrelated" thoughts would be negatively received, as interruptions to the normal process of learning, of practicing. However, when we consider the overwhelming presence of these thoughts in our psyche, how can we realistically train our body and mind to play this music WITHOUT going into these areas, without engaging fully all resources we have?

 

The places where these thoughts and feelings reside are not cordoned off, set aside exclusively for those particular set of thoughts. No, their presence is distributed, integrated into all areas of our brain, of our body, into the same areas that we need to use in order to play in a fully engaged manner.

 

Better then to accept their presence and deal with them than to spend any time and effort trying to steer clear of them.

 

"How can I possibly be engaged in playing this passage while these thoughts flood my mind and these feelings flood my spirit?" Translated into the physical domain, where we generally have a more visceral understanding of things, we could ask "How can I train my hand to play this passage in a new way when I've already trained it to play in another way?" It requires starting from where you are currently (trained to play slow, for examply) and move towards where you want to go (play it fast).

 

Mentally, we need to practice being able to think about what we need to think about WHILE we think also about those thoughts that invade our mind. Slowly, through accepting them and making room for them, ironically they will begin to take up less space, and we will be more attuned to the thoughts we were looking for in the first place.

 

Emotionally, by letting ourselves feel the related emotions around the act of playing, and trying to find a way to play WHILE IN THAT STATE, we eventually open ourselves to another state, one in which the current emotions of engagement, determination and desire come to dominate the ones of fear, worry, or anger.

 

If you've had experiences that corroborate or contradict these statements, I would love to hear from you. Go to the feedback page and write to me!

 

Happy work!

Frederic

5/25/04